a box of lard

Today, I spent a solid ten minutes trying to win a box of pork.

(If you are vegetarian, you might not want to read further.)

No, not the totes ridic stuff that was wasn’t actually clogging up the economic stimulus (semantics), but an actual box of pork. Serious Eats was giving one away, and I needed for it to be mine. Especially because it was called a “Praise the Lard” gift box, and it came from Zingerman’s. Here’s what’s in it:

Designed especially for readers of Serious Eats, a gift box featuring four of our favorite traditional pork products, and two that had pork thrust upon them.

If your Valentine is an aficionado of all things porcine you’ll win their heart with this gift.

Allan Benton’s legendary dry cured Tennessee bacon. Sam Edwards Virginia breakfast sausage links. Broadbent’s Kentucky smoked sausage. Real Spanish Chorizo. Zingerman’s Peppered Bacon Farm Bread. And, to round things out, Vosges’ Mo’s Bacon Bar. All gift boxed in our fun and fabulous cartooned gift box.

It’ll take a special kind of human to put away its contents, which tally up at over two and a half pounds of pork, plus bread and chocolate. When done, they will surely testify.

Is the universe kidding? Of COURSE I wanted this box o’ bacon… like STAT. What did I have to do to get it? Serious Eats told me:

To win this box, all you have to do is compose a pork- or Valentine’s-related acrostic poem in the Comments section below. The best entry, as determined by Serious Eats’ staff, wins.

So after learning the definition of an acrostic poem:

An acrostic (from the late Greek akróstichon, from ákros, “top”, and stíchos, “verse”) is a poem or other writing in an alphabetic script, in which the first letter, syllable or word of each line, paragraph or other recurring feature in the text spells out another message.

… I got to work. I had only ten minutes to meet the deadline for submission. Here’s what I came up with:

Dramatically portioned,
Each squealing bacon-maker
Attempts culinary genius by
Donating their body of

Pork.
In what some may think of as
Gourmet, yet totally
Gruesome, others eagerly
Yearn for the taste of smokey sweetness.

Wonderful piggy, I cannot
Acknowledge your delicious taste without
Lifting a glass to your noble sacrifice.
Kindly understand,
It isn’t personal, you’re simply my
Newest form of
Gastronomic delight.

I call it, naturally, “Dead Piggy Walking.”

I didn’t win, hootspa did, but it was really a kind of fun exercise.

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5 thoughts on “a box of lard

  1. I kind of want to frame that poem in my kitchen — especially the last stanza! But you might need to work “box of lard” into it first!

  2. Thanks, KPD. I’m impressed with what I could do in 10 minutes… next time, I’ll be ready. I’m sure you already knew what an acrostic poem was, eh?

  3. Your poem is great and so are many of the others on the contest page. I am totally e-mailing this link to my hog listerv. 🙂

    I’d love to post your poem on our farm’s webpage. If I can have permission and a name to attribute it to that would be great!

  4. hiddenhollowsfarm – thank you so much! You certainly have my permission – and you can just attribute it to “mollytics” and link to my blog if you don’t mind. Email me if you want to chat further: mollytics [at] gmail [dot] com

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